Friday, March 13, 2009


Ok, it's time to be honest. I'm having a really rough time today. And a little bit yesterday too. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed by the desire to fall in love, get married, and be a mother. It's not that these are neccessarily bad feelings, but it's not what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The point of discerning is that I'm committing some time in my life to God and to figuring out what He wants from me... and not necessarily what I want. I think those things will coincide once I know what He wants, because ultimately the only thing that I do want more than to be a wife and mother honoring God is to be doing His will. And I know that if His will is for me to give myself to religious life in order to accomplish His purpose for me, I will be happy. I know that either way I'll be happy because He'll provide for that, but tonight I feel weak. I've barely begun this journey, and I feel weak. I'm scared and I don't want to give in or to stop my discernment. Right now it's probably easier because I know that I'm SO early in the process that I shouldn't be making any decisions yet.

But what happens when I've been discerning for a couple of weeks or months (who knows at what point I'll be weak enough) and I see a couple preparing for marriage or caring for children and I lose my footing? I won't have the "I haven't been in this long enough" ledge to stand on. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'm afraid that I'll give up my discernment too easily. What my body was made for and what I've been trained to assume will be the most proper way for my life to unfold may or may not necessarily be what God wants from me.

How can I remind myself of my committment in moments of weakness?

How can I make myself long for the religious life in the same way that I long to be happily married? I want to give this a fair chance; I want to wipe my slate clean for God to be able to write His own message in my heart. I just feel like I'm getting distracted at every turn and it's hardly been a week! I'm not expecting discernment to be easy, by any means, but I'm scared of not being up to the task. I'm scared that I will fail God. Writing this out is helping me, even if no one reads it, but if you do: please let me know if you have any advice for me to keep me strong!

I just found this image on the internet because I was initially thinking that the picture above wasn't quite right. I feel like I was meant to find this. :o) It certainly makes me feel more... secure. At least in some small way. It says, "God never makes us conscious of our weakness except to give us of His strength."

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