A few years ago, I started this blog to help me through my discernment process. I was trying to find Our Lord's will for my vocation, whether it be to the religious life or to married life. Four years later (when did that happen?), God has given me His answer and I am an incredibly blessed married woman. I wish I'd kept a great record--say, updating the blog--of the miraculous journey I've been taken on up to this point. But I didn't. Sorry. So today, I begin anew.
Just for some background: My husband and I got married in August after a long long-distance friendship and a short time dating. We're still happy newlyweds and planning to ride that wave for the rest of our lives (that's totally how it works, right?) By day, I run a Catholic bookstore, by night, I'm mediocre-housewife extraordinaire. I like to dance, to read and be read to, to watch more tv than I should, and to come up with fun exciting projects to do that may or may not ever actually happen (in other words, my life is like a pinterest account.)
I wish I had adorable children to post pictures of and tell all kinds of wild stories about, but we haven't been blessed with the beginnings of our family yet. In fact, it's this particular struggle that has inspired me to start writing again.
Almost immediately after we began actively trying trying, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and ulcerative colitis. Which, to be honest, sucks. Thankfully, however, we have an amazing pro-life doctor who did a very successful surgery to remove a large amount of the endo. With luck, it will take a several more years to build back up to the extreme levels it was before and with more luck, a pregnancy might make it disappear altogether. (No one knows why this sometimes happens, as I understand it, but it's definitely the possibility we're praying for.) We were thrilled that not only did we want (so badly) to welcome our first child, but now the official "prescription" from the good doc was "get pregnant asap!" Works for us.
With the second diagnosis, however, the "get pregnant" gameplan is postponed due to the potential unhealthy effects that the medicines to get it under control could have on a baby. There's no real indication of what timetable we might be looking at: weeks, months, and I dare not speculate further. It's not a fun or comfortable disease to have, but being forced to postpone our vocation as parents is definitely the hardest part.
I hope you won't misunderstand me. My husband and I are unbelievably blessed to have each other, to have wonderful loving families, and to have our faith. We're doing our best to think positive, look on the bright side, count our blessings (I'm fully aware that I should be soaking in every uninterrupted night's sleep with great joy while I can,) and stay hopeful. We want to suffer well, earn graces, and be good examples. But, we're human.
In truth, we're in this fuzzy gray area and what I need is a place to get it all out, to share, and most of all to connect. I know there are so many other couples going through much worse battles with infertility than we are; in fact, I often feel guilty crying over our pain when it isn't knee-high to a snail's eye compared to some of our friends and, I'm sure, some of you. If you're one of those going through something so much worse, I ask you to forgive me for my whining.
But I hope you'll reach out and that you'll let me reach out to you, if I can. I don't plan to spend every post sobbing over the cross that's been given us, but hopefully in learning about it, working through it, and maybe making some new friends.
Friends? :)
