Weakness

Ok, it's time to be honest. I'm having a really rough time today. And a little bit yesterday too. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed by the desire to fall in love, get married, and be a mother. It's not that these are neccessarily bad feelings, but it's not what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The point of discerning is that I'm committing some time in my life to God and to figuring out what He wants from me... and not necessarily what I want. I think those things will coincide once I know what He wants, because ultimately the only thing that I do want more than to be a wife and mother honoring God is to be doing His will. And I know that if His will is for me to give myself to religious life in order to accomplish His purpose for me, I will be happy. I know that either way I'll be happy because He'll provide for that, but tonight I feel weak. I've barely begun this journey, and I feel weak. I'm scared and I don't want to give in or to stop my discernment. Right now it's probably easier because I know that I'm SO early in the process that I shouldn't be making any decisions yet.

But what happens when I've been discerning for a couple of weeks or months (who knows at what point I'll be weak enough) and I see a couple preparing for marriage or caring for children and I lose my footing? I won't have the "I haven't been in this long enough" ledge to stand on. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'm afraid that I'll give up my discernment too easily. What my body was made for and what I've been trained to assume will be the most proper way for my life to unfold may or may not necessarily be what God wants from me.

How can I remind myself of my committment in moments of weakness?

How can I make myself long for the religious life in the same way that I long to be happily married? I want to give this a fair chance; I want to wipe my slate clean for God to be able to write His own message in my heart. I just feel like I'm getting distracted at every turn and it's hardly been a week! I'm not expecting discernment to be easy, by any means, but I'm scared of not being up to the task. I'm scared that I will fail God. Writing this out is helping me, even if no one reads it, but if you do: please let me know if you have any advice for me to keep me strong!

Update: I just found this image on the internet because I was initially thinking that the picture above wasn't quite right. I feel like I was meant to find this. :o) It certainly makes me feel more... secure. At least in some small way. It says, "God never makes us conscious of our weakness except to give us of His strength."

Searching for Help

Alright, so I just filled out a "Ask a Question" form on a website about vocations. Basically, I wanted to know what I should do about taking my first steps into discernment. I don't know that I'm discerning one vocation over another specifically, but I do know that it's time to step back and allow God some time to work in my life and to lead it where he wants it to be. The purpose behind this blog is to give me someplace where I can put down my thoughts and document my experiences throughout my period of discernment. I like that I can be somewhat anonymous here and can put down my honest feelings without being concerned about the judgments from people that I know. Also, I hope that somehow this may help someone else who is going through the same thing. In other words, PLEASE let me know if you are because I want your help too! Let's not do this alone. :)


Below is the "letter" that I sent into the website. The questions there are answered by a Father Anthony Bannon, LC. Here you go:

"Where do I start? I have for years felt a small twinge in my heart towards a consecrated life and have just recently allowed myself to acknowledge it. I have always felt a strong and almost desperate call towards motherhood and married life, however. I know that both are equally important and useful vocations in spreading God's love on earth, and I know that I want to give myself entirely to God in whatever way He wants me to.

In the past few months I have come out of a broken engagement that was not where or how God wanted me to be at the time. During the last year of this relationship I felt a strong call to discern-- not necessarily in one direction or another, but simply to take the time away from where I was and try to quietly search out God`s will for me. I don`t want to go any further in either direction until I know better what is God`s will rather than my own. I know that the timing is somewhat awkward coming out of this engagement, but I do not feel that considering life as a religious is an act of fear. I do believe that God has told my heart that He has plans for it and that He has created someone that is waiting for me when He decides that I am ready. I feel as though God is holding both doors open for me and He would provide for my happiness in either direction, but I want to do what would make Him happiest. I want to serve Him in the way that is best suited for how He has made me. I just don`t know what that is.

I am praying and trying to allow myself time to adjust into this phase of discernment (as the time has clearly come for me to do,) but I am having some trouble with direction and knowing what I should do. I have had some trouble with quieting myself and forcing myself into stillness lately and this worries me. Also, I would like to find someone to help me that will not be biased toward one vocation or another. I am afraid of misinterpreting God`s will. I know this is a lot and is fairly disjointed, but is there anything you can offer me in the way of advice? Thank you for your time-- simply writing this out has helped me in some small way. Thank you again!"


Thoughts?